21Schizm Horizontal

What it Felt Like to Relapse After a Year of Progress

Progress thrives as inspiring, healthy, and well – progressive. Simply put, any forward movement in the figurative sense of life results in boundless forms of improvement in the literal and physical sense. Unfortunately the same remains true for regression while this sometimes abounds in many forms of the literal, for schizoids we often refer to this portion of life as relapse. After a consistent series of hospitalizations ranging from 3-4 months apart from my college 2013 to 2020, something finally clicked. Then just as soon as that click came, came a backspace. 

First came the July 4th relapse and then what I prefer in referring to it as the rabid relapse. In all truth the two relapses occurred a few hours apart so for simplification one will cite the two as one in the same. However, the former of the two received coverage (here). 

Know that Rabies Does Not Exhibit in Humans the Same Way as in Animals, LOLWUT?!?

This relapse came with a quirky little moniker that got everyone in the hospital going as per me, “I’m going to the streets, the streets are calling my name, I’m going to the streets, to the streets I go!” Little did I know, my travel across these streets appeared as if I transposed my behavior from humane to beastlike. The voices contended that I contracted a werewolf virus. While at first I chalked the behavior up to medical side effects. Against my better nature, I listened to the voices and purported to myself that the werewolf virus was rabies. In fact, it was this nature that manifested as the problem.

Behavior vector created by pch.vector – www.freepik.com

The second time initiated with me balancing my dog on my head and kicking a hole through my mom’s wall. According to the voices I planned this all out during the earlier portion of my inpatient. They claimed that I supposedly could racketeer NFL football games all from the hospital. This all happened during a struggle with the cops and my brother. While at the psych ward I went on to snort bleach, trying to eat a sock and also pissing in the corner of the quiet room. Earlier during one of my restraint experiences I employed the use of a sock to hold my feces.  

No This Relapse was Not Rabies. It Just Felt Like That

Now bearing this relapse at the moment I cannot help but express a high degree of regret. Not only did I disappoint myself, I also exposed my family and others to physical and financial harm. However as a schizoid the principal concern should be wellness. Wellness of mind, body and spirit. Regardless of how disappointed I was, I expected to rebound better than ever. I realized that sometimes, I must take a more active role in my regiment. I often let the medical help help me. Instead of me assisting in the medicine.

No matter how many times I relapse, this progress self-actualized the hope I needed against my illness. While devastating, the truth remains that I made it that far and only by going that far could I mark that milestone and hope to pursue greater heights. I am a schizoid of the 21st century, and knowing so I and you must know the odds are stacked against me. Odds are if you’re reading this you know what I mean. Against all odds my goal as a doctor was to extend longevity, so here’s to the odds against all odds and perchance extending my memory further than the 21st century.

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